The itch is intensifying. With your annual fantasy football draft on the immediate horizon and only days to the official kickoff of the NFL regular season, the metaphorical skin inflammation must be addressed.
It’s GO time.
Yes, you finished last in your league and the Coldplay cheating couple tattooed on your inner thigh is still fresh, but a new season and a new opportunity to conquer last season’s Christian McCaffrey demons awaits.
You, like everyone else, have intense yearnings highlighted on your cheat sheet. Whether sacrificing a kidney or precious third leg, you’re willing to commit whatever it takes to acquire their services. In your overconfident mind, their contributions will inevitably propel you to gridiron greatness. Yep, the competitive juices are flowing -- and vigorously.
No different from the common drafter, this glaring imbecile has his own list of must haves.
Who’s on it?
Below is a squad this seasoned fantasy fanatic is ALL IN on. Don’t break my heart, boys.
Ladies and gentlemen, the NOISE presents his 2025 All-Mancrush team:
QB - Dak Prescott, Cowboys, QB (ADP: 89.09, QB9) - To quote a classic Beck banger, “bottles and cans just clap your hands.” Prescott is without question “Where It's At” when it comes to QB buys.
Armed with CeeDee Lamb, George Pickens and Jake Ferguson and equipped with a proven Howitzer, the Dak attack should inflict steady damage this season. The Cowboys' suspect ground game and equally dicey defense only rubber stamp the belief. No doubt, the environment is conducive for favorable fantasy results.
Before a gnarly hamstring tear unplugged his '24 season, Dak completed an outstanding 51.5% of his red-zone attempts in eight games. Stay upright in the followup and a near duplication of his league-leading 36 TDs chucked in '23 is a forgone conclusion.
Make him priority No. 1, wait-on-a-QB crowd.
RB - Chase Brown, Bengals, RB (ADP: 20.98, RB8) - Illinois ranks No. 12 in the country AND a former Illini is ballin’ in the NFL. Come again?
The devil’s teeth are chattering.
Brown finishing as the RB1 of ones isn’t some mushroom-induced dream. As proven last year, he’s per touch efficient, immersed in arguably the most explosive offense in the NFL and has little competition for touches. Last fall, he ranked top-20 in yards after contact per attempt (3.06), missed tackles forced (46) and total yards created (925). Raising the floor, he's become a short-field fixture as a receiver, capable of hauling in 60+ receptions.
Predictably, this Orange and Blue zealot is heavily invested in him in various betting markets. Yes, it's incredibly 'shocking.'
Sure to benefit from ultra-light fronts -- he faced the sixth-fewest stacked boxes among RBs in '24 -- and given his inevitable 80%+ opportunity share, Brown's 2,000-total yard and 15-TD ceiling isn’t unreachable.
I-L-L!
WR - Calvin Ridley, Titans, WR (ADP: 57.42, WR29) - Riddle me this. Riddle me that. The Riddler could make your wallet fat.
Last season's underachievement thanks to the shoddy QB play of Mr. Mayo, Will Levis, and Mason Rudolph has already faded in the rearview. Top NFL Draft pick Cam Ward's arrival ushers in promising statistical expectations.
Yes, the passer is an unpolished rookie, but as seen already in the Preseason, his deep-ball cannon is a swipe-right match for Ridley. The former parlay chaser and Ward are sure to connect on occasional downfield gambles this season. When also considering the Titans' presumed basement-dwelling defense, the wideout's target share only climbs higher. It's no stretch he earns 140+ looks this fall.
Some will knock the former Falcon simply because he's on the wrong side of 30. However, he finished '24 top 20 in route wins, No. 1 in air yards and No. 5 in aDOT. He also set the pace a season ago in unrealized air yards. This time around, those squandered opportunities should be few and far between. Keep in mind, Ward ranked No. 5 in deep-ball pass grade among all FBS QBs with the Miami Hurricanes last year.
The Riddler hasn't penetrated the WR top-20 class since 2020, but the joke is on naysayers who believe a return to that level isn't possible.
TE - Evan Engram, Broncos, TE (ADP: 97.34, TE8) - What was witnessed in Preseason Week 2 was only a taste of what's to come. Breaking off the line on a simple eight-yard slant, Engram snared Jarret Stidham's pitch, turned upfield and scampered down the right sideline for a 58-yard gain.
My pants melted.
Short-to-intermediate field grabs is the constant punchline in Sean Payton's 'Joker' role. And as evidenced by his high-volume seasons in Jacksonville (114 receptions in '23), Engram is expertly crafted to thrive in it. Chunk catch-and-run gains are likely to become a regularity.
As The Athletic recently reported, the TE's strengths are being “used at the highest level.” The probability of Engram catching 80+ passes in his first season with the Broncos is on par with this love juice enthusiast sipping a fine tequila on a random Thursday.
Of course, remaining upright is his utmost priority. However, if Engram plays the entire season unscathed, he’s destined to turn a significant profit based on his slashed ADP. Bo Nix’s Year 2 growth along with the seventh-easiest projected TE strength of schedule only add a zero to the minus odds.
FLEX - Tank Bigsby, Jaguars, RB (ADP: 128.68, RB37) - This fantasy season, invade your league rivals by Tank.
Casuals are turning a blind eye toward the Jacksonville backfield. For those who are investing in it, perceived opportunist Travis Etienne is the desired choice. Considering Bigsby would have difficulty catching a softly tossed beachball, the tacky-handed veteran is sure to be Liam Coen's pass-down back of choice. However, on early downs and goal-line situations, bank on the head coach to call on his war machine.
Discussed previously, Bigsby was one of pro football's most efficient ground forces last season. On only 168 rush attempts, he tallied the third-best YAC per attempt (3.74) and tucked inside the top-15 in total missed tackles forced.
At 6-feet and 210 pounds, he's a classic power-back build. His musculature combined with a bloodhound goal-line nose arrow to sizable TD returns. Tank rolling for 10+ scores isn't remotely an off-the-rocker take -- not in what should be a high-flying Coen offense.
Bigsby's lacking hands limit the appeal in PPR, but he does give off David Montgomery end-zone splashing vibes. Sexy.
Who's on your All-Mancrush team? Share in the comments below.